Packet In!

When throwing a dinner party, it is never acceptable to serve guests their condiments in packets. Don't be fooled by misleading terms like "fancy".

Charity

Donating to a good cause is a great way to spend that extra money. My favorite charities are "The Ronald McDonald House" and poker.

Don't Panic!

If you notice that some of your hair may be falling out, don't fear the worst: it may just be something called "Male-Pattern Baldness!"

Note: I don't believe women get this.

Sound Advice

Don't eat cat food.

Guide to Confusing "Rope" Expressions

"Rope-a-Dope" - Boxing term
"Go piss up a rope" - Get lost!
"The Ropers" - Television sitcom (underrated)
"Rope vs. Wade" - Misheard landmark legal battle

Top Hats

Not many shops still sell collapsible top hats, but most magic stores and pharmacies sell collapsible canes.

Bunting

Don't be alarmed by this apparent baseball term. It's also a festive party decoration!

Cruises

If you ever find yourself on a cruise, be sure to treat yourself; don't forget that the meals are generally all-you-can-eat!

Holiday Pies

Pumpkin pies are standard during the holidays, but why not try something different? A lovely apple pie would be nice any time of year, but stay away from something exotic, like pecan.

Christmas Cards

A good idea for the holidays is a "Christmas Card List". Send Christmas cards to people that you know! Don't forget that many stores sell boxes of Christmas cards, so you don't have to buy them individually.