Guide To Confusing Meats

Venison = deer
Veal = baby cow
Brisket = cow
Tripe = stomach
Pork = pig

Dinner Invitations

When being invited to a dinner party, it is always a nice gesture to bring wine. Refrain from boxed wine, as it has a reputation of being lower-quality wine.

Movin' Out To Broadway

If you are confronted with having to sit through a Broadway musical, don't panic! Just suggest "Movin' Out." It is all of your favorite Billy Joel songs, sung by a Billy Joel imitator. High society, indeed!

Loafers

When buying dress shoes, remember that nothing is classier or more distinguished than a pair of loafers. And no loafers would be complete without the tassels. Wear them proudly!

Comedy

A lot of contemporary comedians are too crass for my tastes, but there are still some good, old-fashioned veterans performing now and then. Gallagher, Jon Pinette, Louie Anderson and Jeff Dunham are all still at it!

Sending Flowers

Everyone knows roses are great, but everyone sends them. When you are trying to impress, try something really unusual, like red tulips.

Of Salt And Pepper

If you are trying to cut down on your sodium, try pepper. It has a naturally salty flavor and much less sodium than salt.

Status Symbols

Everyone has a dog or a cat. If you want to make yourself stand out, try a rabbit or even a pigeon.

Job Hunting Advice

In today's hectic economy, try to make sure you appear professional in job interviews. Ensure all your tattoos are covered properly by your clothes. If you have tattoos a suit can't cover, use a cunningly-placed Band-Aid.

Smell The Part

A fine cologne is a remarkable asset, but there is no reason to break the bank. Places like Walgreen's and even Safeway sell a variety of scents for just a few dollars! Do some experimenting!

Rags To Riches

Keep a rag in your car. That way you can check your engine oil level no matter where to are. It's also useful for cleaning up spills. You'll thank me later!

Sports Dates

Really good seats to a sporting event sure cost an arm and a leg, but nothing goes further in impressing a date. The best seats have extra perks, like access to special food courts. Wow her with your insider knowledge!

TiVo

A DVR box is a good way to watch all your favorite shows without those annoying commercials. The only downside is that you have to wait until after the shows air to watch them this way.

Dress Shirts

Try not to tuck your dress shirt into your underwear. It can be embarrassing when you need to reach up high for things, or bend over.

Get Your Sports Straight!

Polo shirts are acceptable to golf in, but not vice-versa.

Shaving

For just a few dollars more, you can buy a re-usable razor that has more than one blade.

Mozart

When speaking of classical music, you usually can't go wrong with Mozart. There is a good movie about Mozart called "Amadeus" and I think there is probably a soundtrack to that. That should be a good place to start. If you can't track down that CD, there is probably a "Greatest Hits" somewhere.

Ordering Chinese

Ordering food at a Chinese restaurant can be daunting to some. Just remember that there will always be chow mein or broccoli beef or foil wrapped chicken at any restaurant worth their salt. If they don't have one of these options, they're not worth your time. You and your date can feel free to leave.

Sharp Dressed Man

Sometimes after getting my car washed, I like to comb my hair and put on my best clothes and just drive around town for a couple of hours. Occasionally I'll stop for coffee (never at the same place). Hey, who's that guy? everyone will say. No one can say you're not going places!

Art

Target is a great place to purchase affordable art of all types. They even have some pieces that feel like real paint right on there!

Spats

A long-forgotten fashion accessory, spats lend a sophisticated air to any ensemble. Refrain from pairing with open-toed shoes, sandals*, or flip-flops.








* Well, maybe sandals would be okay.

Extra Dry

A martini is the ultimate status symbol drink. You should not be pinching your nose shut with your fingers while drinking one, unless you are at home.

Handshakes

A firm handshake is a beneficial quality in a person. Try to really get in there and grind their bones together.

Boxing

Boxing is "the sweet science," but you don't need beakers or test tubes or anything like that. No math! Now there's a "science" I can get behind!

Ties

A tie is a good way for people to notice you as a person of action, or to cover stains from your lunch. (Note: put your tie on after lunch.)

Newspaper Tip #1

Don't fold the newspaper when you turn the page to read a story that is continued on another page. Hold it proudly with two hands, for ease of returning to the previous page. (You may not want to employ this strategy when standing up commuting, or else you should have really good balance.)

Ooh La La!

Grey Poupon is fancy, sure. But French's mustard is imported. From France.

Money Walks

A good way to fool people into thinking you are rich is to glue quarters to the bottom of your shoes. You are literally WALKING on money, and you make an important sound while you travel! A guaranteed attention-getter.