Cruises

If you ever find yourself on a cruise, be sure to treat yourself; don't forget that the meals are generally all-you-can-eat!

Holiday Pies

Pumpkin pies are standard during the holidays, but why not try something different? A lovely apple pie would be nice any time of year, but stay away from something exotic, like pecan.

Christmas Cards

A good idea for the holidays is a "Christmas Card List". Send Christmas cards to people that you know! Don't forget that many stores sell boxes of Christmas cards, so you don't have to buy them individually.

California

If you are ever in California, make sure to stop by Madame Toussaud's Wax Museum. I've never seen more lifelike statues anywhere.

Fine Dining

Don't be afraid to thoroughly read the menu at a fancy restaurant. Some of the finer eateries do not offer mozzarella sticks as an appetizer, but you can usually find something good in a pinch.

Outlet Shops

If you are in the mood for some bargain-hunting, try looking for some local "outlets". These stores may look like regular stores, but they often offer wares at lower-than-usual prices.

Last Man Sanding

Sand art in a glass bottle is an inexpensive gift or home decoration.

Cleaning Products

Mr. Clean is overrated. I prefer Pine-Sol. My house can smell like a Christmas tree year-round? Yes, please!

Land of the Rising Sun

Nothing classes up a living room like one of those samurai sword sets on a display stand.

Dry Erase Boards

When erasing your work from a dry erase board, you may notice that there is some marker residue dust left on the board. Don't trust the erasers to do all the work for you. Keep some cleaning fluid and paper towels handy to get the rest. Your boss will notice!

Bathroom Glass, Bathroom Class

Anyone can cup their hands under the water when rinsing your mouth after brushing, but how many people these days keep a special glass by the sink just for this? Set yourself apart!

Forks

Did you know that the individual points on a fork are called "tines"? You never know when little tidbits of information could come in handy.

Taboos, Part 2

Discussing sex in mixed company is not only rude and vulgar, but potentially confusing.

Thank-You Notes

Saying "thank you" in person when receiving a gift is standard, but no one ever expects a Thank-You Note. It adds a bit of class and sophistication to an otherwise humdrum day, and it does it through the mail!

Army Chic

Army surplus stores are a good place to find vintage clothing and accessories without having to pay vintage-clothing-store prices. Be careful wearing vintage dog tags, though. If you die while you're wearing them, they may think you're someone else.

Concierges

You should always tip the men outside hotels who hail cabs for you. Even though it does not seem like they are performing a service that deserves or requires a tip, it is expected of you. Sorry, I don't make the rules.

Guide To Confusing Desserts

Flan - Custard
Mousse - Pudding
Creme Brulee - Pudding with a crust
Churro - Cinnamon toast

Charities

Contributing to a charity is a good way to spend your extra money. Look for people outside grocery stores with clipboards. They usually know a lot about various charities and can give you plenty of information.

Knives

If your knives are having trouble cutting things, don't just throw them out and get new ones. There are "knife sharpeners" you can buy at any kitchen-wares store and probably at Target. These are stored easily in your silverware drawer and come in quite handy!

Pen and Pencil Set

Never underestimate the value of a pen and pencil set. There is never a bad time to have a nice pen and pencil on hand to choose from. These also make great gifts!

Tack Versus Clip

They say that tie tacks never go out of style, but for my money, the tie clip just holds the tie in place much more effectively. Plus you don't have to put little holes in all your ties.

Umbrellas

If you are purchasing a new umbrella, consider spending the extra money for an umbrella with a slipcase. It can be a pain to carry the case around, but in my opinion it is better than getting water everywhere!

Grocery Separation

When you're at the supermarket, take a moment to put a plastic divider down after you have placed your groceries on the conveyor belt. It will eliminate the need for the person behind you to have to reach across.

Ties

A tie should never be worn so long as to poke out of the bottom hem of a sweater vest or suit coat.

Public Restroom Tip

If you only tear out three of the four sides of the tear-out part of a toilet seat cover, let that part hang down into the water. Then when you flush, the whole thing goes down!

Hummus

Did you know that hummus is ground-up chickpeas? That's amazing!

Horses

Horses are commonly associated with high society, from equestrian events to polo to dressage. Don't ask me why, that's just the way it is. It is okay if you don't like horses.

Tuxedos

Please note: a "cummerbund" is the belt-type sash you wear with a tuxedo, not the shirtfront that rolls up like a flapping curtain in Looney Tunes cartoons.

Food Festivals

Food festivals, such as the Gilroy Garlic Festival, are a good opportunity to sample some fine cuisine without having to endure a stuffy restaurant.

Blow Off Some Steam

Don't be rude and blow on your food before you eat it. If your food is too hot for you, just wait.

Merging

If someone has slowed down to allow you to merge on the highway during rush hour, make eye contact with them in the rearview mirror and wave at them to let them know you appreciate it. It could really make their day. Just remember to keep your eyes on the road!

Round of Applause

Although it has fallen out of vogue in recent years, it is considered acceptable to applaud at the end of a movie you enjoyed.

Shoe Polish

Polishing one's shoes can be a bit of an undertaking. At bare minimum, you will need two rags, a brush, and shoe polish. Be prepared to set aside a portion of your day unless you don't have many shoes.

Rare?

One of the features of ordering steak is that you can select how you would prefer to have it cooked. One of the drawbacks, however, is that many gourmands contend that any steak cooked medium well or well done dries out the steak and robs it of its flavor. Some chefs even consider such an order to be an insult! If you are worried about potentially being embarrassed due to this, ask about the fish of the day.

White Rice

White rice may seem nutritious, but it is loaded with carbohydrates, which quickly turn to fat. Try brown rice, or wheat bread.

Tea Time

Remember that tea is an after-dinner drink. If you have tea before dinner, it will just make you hot, and possibly sweaty.

Clever Breakfasts

If you want to try something unusual, consider a dash of hot sauce on your scrambled eggs. It can be quite a morning pick-me-up!

Reading Glasses

If your eyesight is beginning to go, you can pick up a pair of reading glasses at any drugstore. You needn't have a prescription, they are basically a fancy magnifying glass.

Steaks

It is considered the height of rudeness to apply steak sauce or even worse, ketchup to a steak you have ordered in a restaurant. However, when cooking steak at home, you may add whichever condiments you choose. Unless you are trying to impress someone.

Handkerchiefs

Although some people balk at the idea of a reusable tissue, they can come in incredibly handy (see my earlier post regarding keeping a rag in the car). Just make sure you wash them regularly.

San Francisco

Did you know that the Golden Gate Bridge only charges admission if you actually go over the bridge? You can park in the observation parking lot and look at it all day for free if you so choose!

Hanging Files

Did you know that most file cabinets come equipped with rails running along the top of the sides of each drawer? These are for "Hanging Files" which you can place file folders in. It is a great way to organize files if you keep files for some reason.

Jazz

Jazz is widely perceived to be the music of cultured people, but it is important that you know some jazz musicians if you talk about music. Some jazz musicians of note: John Coltrane, Miles Davis.

Hawaiian Food

If someone asks you to go to eat some Hawaiian Food with them, DON'T PANIC. The Hawaiians make a dish called "Chicken Katsu" which is just fried chicken.

Live Performances

At some venues like comedy clubs, it is okay to laugh or cry or react to the performance, but the performers don't want you to talk to your fellow audience members. The employees of the venue will kick you right out, don't think they won't. Show some respect.

Corduroy

Corduroy gets a bad rap from a lot of people, but did you know that corduroy pants come in different thicknesses of "ridges"? Shop around, you may be surprised!

Margins

Although you are free to write in the margins when you are not going to be showing your papers to anyone, remember that you should NEVER write in the margins on a resume.

Gifting Books

Books are a thoughtful gift, but make sure to stick to the classics like Dickens and Poe. Contemporary literature may devolve into smut or profanity which is inappropriate in a gift.

Restaurant Restrooms.

It is only a law that employees must wash their hands after using the restroom. If you don't work there, washing your hands is optional, but considerate nonetheless.

Breakfast Advice

You will find that it is easier to apply butter before applying syrup, rather than vice-versa. This rule is universal for all breakfast items.

Silverware

Polishing silverware is incredibly time-consuming. Get silverware that is stainless steel and spare yourself the hassle. No one will be the wiser!

Mixed Nuts

Although cashews are the classiest nut, they can be very expensive. If you are looking to save money but still offer a quality nut to your guests, go for a mixed nuts assortment that includes cashews. The big ones are Brazil Nuts.

Scents

Colognes fall into one of four main scents: Fruity, Sweet, Floral, or Musk. Old Spice is the only cologne in a fifth category, "Spicy".

Wine Glasses

A wine glass with a wide mouth is for red wine, to allow the wine to "breathe" whereas a wine glass with a tapered mouth is for white wine. Try not to use a pint glass for drinking wine, as the mouth is flared, thus rendering it unacceptable for any wine. Beer is okay.

Taboos

As the old saying goes, "It is impolite to discuss politics and religion." If either of these topics comes up in a social setting, politely excuse yourself and retire home. There is no need to expose yourself to such rudeness. If you are the host, you can feel free to ask the offending parties to leave.

Car Interior

Tired of unsightly dust covering your dashboard? Most automotive parts stores sell dashboard covers. They come in a variety of colors and can really class up the cabin of your vehicle. Make sure you are getting the proper size for your car!

Movies vs. Plays

At the movie theater, you can almost sit wherever you want, so you are guaranteed the best seat in the house so long as you get there early enough to sit in the middle. Please keep in mind that when attending a live play or the opera, you will have assigned seating. Check your ticket stub! Failing that, ask an usher to assist you.

Blinds

If you turn your venetian blinds so that the inside edge points up, no one will be able to see inside your house. Most people think that venetian blinds will protect your privacy so long as they are shut. Not so! If you rotate them so that the inside edge points down, tall creeps can see inside your house.

Windows

You can increase your productivity by spraying the Windex directly on the window, rather than on the paper towel.

Franks and Beans

Certain beans are an acceptable side dish for all levels of dining, yet no franks are as far as I can tell. I don't understand it either.

Explanation

A "Mnemonic" is a memory tool you use to remember information. For example, to remember the names and order of the planets, you probably know the phrase, "My Very Eccentric Mother Just Sent Us Nine Pizzas." Although "Pizzas" is no longer a planet.

Place Setting Mnemonic

"Fork" has four letters, and forks go to the left of the plate. "Knife" and "Spoon" have five letters each and go to the right of the plate. "Glass" has five letters. There is no set position for a "Glass".

High-End Desserts

Don't be intimidated by fancy words on fancy menus. "Tart" and "Souffle" are often just gussied-up terms for "Pie" and "Cake," respectively.

Golf

Proper footwear is vitally important in golf. If you even think of going golfing while wearing sneakers or flip-flops, you will be the laughing stock of the golf club! Play it smart: golf shoes are also called "cleats".

Guide To Confusing Meats 2

Carnitas = Pork
Carne Asada = Steak
Squab = Tiny Chicken

Bathroom Class 3

A bathrobe is a one-way ticket to a classy bathing situation. Wearing a nice bathrobe to and from the bathroom leaves little room for embarrassing towel mishaps. It is like a one-way ticket to feeling like you're high society!

Bathroom Class 2

Throwing a wet towel on the ground screams "I just moved out of my parents' house". Do yourself a favor and invest in a towel rack and hamper.

Bathroom Class

Nothing is more tacky than a little sliver of soap in the soap dish, PLUS they are hard to handle to boot! I usually toss them when they are about as wide as my thumb. How much money are you really saving using soap all the way to the end?

Guide To Confusing Meats

Venison = deer
Veal = baby cow
Brisket = cow
Tripe = stomach
Pork = pig

Dinner Invitations

When being invited to a dinner party, it is always a nice gesture to bring wine. Refrain from boxed wine, as it has a reputation of being lower-quality wine.

Movin' Out To Broadway

If you are confronted with having to sit through a Broadway musical, don't panic! Just suggest "Movin' Out." It is all of your favorite Billy Joel songs, sung by a Billy Joel imitator. High society, indeed!

Loafers

When buying dress shoes, remember that nothing is classier or more distinguished than a pair of loafers. And no loafers would be complete without the tassels. Wear them proudly!

Comedy

A lot of contemporary comedians are too crass for my tastes, but there are still some good, old-fashioned veterans performing now and then. Gallagher, Jon Pinette, Louie Anderson and Jeff Dunham are all still at it!

Sending Flowers

Everyone knows roses are great, but everyone sends them. When you are trying to impress, try something really unusual, like red tulips.

Of Salt And Pepper

If you are trying to cut down on your sodium, try pepper. It has a naturally salty flavor and much less sodium than salt.

Status Symbols

Everyone has a dog or a cat. If you want to make yourself stand out, try a rabbit or even a pigeon.

Job Hunting Advice

In today's hectic economy, try to make sure you appear professional in job interviews. Ensure all your tattoos are covered properly by your clothes. If you have tattoos a suit can't cover, use a cunningly-placed Band-Aid.

Smell The Part

A fine cologne is a remarkable asset, but there is no reason to break the bank. Places like Walgreen's and even Safeway sell a variety of scents for just a few dollars! Do some experimenting!

Rags To Riches

Keep a rag in your car. That way you can check your engine oil level no matter where to are. It's also useful for cleaning up spills. You'll thank me later!

Sports Dates

Really good seats to a sporting event sure cost an arm and a leg, but nothing goes further in impressing a date. The best seats have extra perks, like access to special food courts. Wow her with your insider knowledge!

TiVo

A DVR box is a good way to watch all your favorite shows without those annoying commercials. The only downside is that you have to wait until after the shows air to watch them this way.

Dress Shirts

Try not to tuck your dress shirt into your underwear. It can be embarrassing when you need to reach up high for things, or bend over.

Get Your Sports Straight!

Polo shirts are acceptable to golf in, but not vice-versa.

Shaving

For just a few dollars more, you can buy a re-usable razor that has more than one blade.

Mozart

When speaking of classical music, you usually can't go wrong with Mozart. There is a good movie about Mozart called "Amadeus" and I think there is probably a soundtrack to that. That should be a good place to start. If you can't track down that CD, there is probably a "Greatest Hits" somewhere.

Ordering Chinese

Ordering food at a Chinese restaurant can be daunting to some. Just remember that there will always be chow mein or broccoli beef or foil wrapped chicken at any restaurant worth their salt. If they don't have one of these options, they're not worth your time. You and your date can feel free to leave.

Sharp Dressed Man

Sometimes after getting my car washed, I like to comb my hair and put on my best clothes and just drive around town for a couple of hours. Occasionally I'll stop for coffee (never at the same place). Hey, who's that guy? everyone will say. No one can say you're not going places!

Art

Target is a great place to purchase affordable art of all types. They even have some pieces that feel like real paint right on there!

Spats

A long-forgotten fashion accessory, spats lend a sophisticated air to any ensemble. Refrain from pairing with open-toed shoes, sandals*, or flip-flops.








* Well, maybe sandals would be okay.

Extra Dry

A martini is the ultimate status symbol drink. You should not be pinching your nose shut with your fingers while drinking one, unless you are at home.

Handshakes

A firm handshake is a beneficial quality in a person. Try to really get in there and grind their bones together.

Boxing

Boxing is "the sweet science," but you don't need beakers or test tubes or anything like that. No math! Now there's a "science" I can get behind!

Ties

A tie is a good way for people to notice you as a person of action, or to cover stains from your lunch. (Note: put your tie on after lunch.)

Newspaper Tip #1

Don't fold the newspaper when you turn the page to read a story that is continued on another page. Hold it proudly with two hands, for ease of returning to the previous page. (You may not want to employ this strategy when standing up commuting, or else you should have really good balance.)

Ooh La La!

Grey Poupon is fancy, sure. But French's mustard is imported. From France.

Money Walks

A good way to fool people into thinking you are rich is to glue quarters to the bottom of your shoes. You are literally WALKING on money, and you make an important sound while you travel! A guaranteed attention-getter.